Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Boston

Posted: April 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

What I’m about to write shouldn’t matter.  Terrorist attacks are terrorist attacks and, actually, tragedies are tragedies.  Whether it’s a mall or a bus or the World Trade Center or the finish line of the Boston Marathon; whether it’s a bomb or an electrical problem or a heart attack…tragedies are tragedies.  But…Boston.  Boston sticks with me two weeks later and it will for years.

Boston was an attack on Boston, of course.  And David Ortiz and Paul Pierce and even Neil Diamond stood up.  And Boston was an attack on America, and Barack Obama attended the funerals and we sat riveted as a country as the bombers were apprehended.  Boston hit me for both reasons – I love the city, I obviously love America – but it hits another of my communities deeply.  The Boston bombings hit the Boston Marathon, my favorite race, my most prized accomplishment, and somewhat ironically the Mecca of running.  And since I’ve relived Boston dozens of times in the last two weeks, here are a few stories about what Boston means.

Boston

Boston is the oldest and most prestigious marathon in the U.S.  It’s the oldest continually-run marathon in the world (Athens took about a 2,450-year break).  And you need to either qualify or raise a bunch of money for charity.  It’s the gold standard for amateur runners – if you’re wearing a Boston Marathon jacket in the running community you’re big-time.  You wear Boston on your sleeve; if you’re trying to qualify, everyone knows because you’re going nuts trying to do it.  If you’re qualified, you’re bona fide (rhyme intentional) – every local running store or track club has a “Boston Bound” group, a sendoff meeting or team photo or t-shirt.  I’ve run a lot of big-city marathons – Chicago, New York, Cincinnati, Detroit, Los Angeles – and none compares to Boston.  Boston is…it’s Boston.

Dad

When I was a kid, my dad really got into running.  He ran the New York City Marathon, the Chicago Marathon, the Detroit Marathon… I’d ride my bike next to him while he ran on Saturdays in the summer; in the winter, my brother and I would jump around on the high jump mats at the Track & Tennis Building at U of M while he ran laps, and then we’d hold his feet down while he did situps.  And every April we watched the Boston Marathon on tape – he’d record it while he worked on Patriots Day (only a New England holiday) and we’d watch it that weekend.  That course was magic…I knew the Hopkinton start, the Wellelsey Scream Tunnel, the Newton Hills, the Boylston finish.

And so when I was a senior in high school and my dad finally qualified for Boston I understood – I thought I was a legit athlete, captain of the swim  team and such – and it was a huge accomplishment for Dad.  But I didn’t really know.

He qualified in November, and around New Year’s we took a family ski trip.  On the last day, on the last run, Dad took a spill.  We made it to the lift in time for one more but he  called it quits – a huge sign in retrospect – and we took one more run while he settled in.  He drove home with ice on his leg and got back to Boston training.  The race was in April, after all.  And so he ran into February – Tuesday night speedwork, weekend long runs into the 14-15 mile range  – for a full six weeks before he finally figured the enduring pain in his leg was something worth talking to a doctor about.

So he went to the doctor, got an x-ray and…it was broken.

Yep, broken.

That’s the power of Boston.  My father ran – and ran hard: speedwork, distance runs – for six weeks on a broken leg, all because nothing was keeping him from Boston.  That’s Boston.

Dad didn’t run Boston that year; he wrote a letter to the Boston Athletic Association and they gave him a deferral.  When he did run it I was in college and tracked him online while the race was broadcast on ESPN.  When he returned home, his friends had toilet-papered the house and planted a sign in the yard with his name and finishing time.   Grownups.  That’s Boston.

Me

I hit the 20-mile mark of the Toledo (Ohio) Glass City Marathon about ten seconds ahead of my Boston Qualifier pace.  The only problem – a mile earlier I was closer to 25 seconds ahead of pace.  It was all falling down.  This was my sixth marathon, the first time I had ever seriously thought I’d qualify for Boston.  I had been putting in epic work – the South Beach Diet had gotten me down to 140 pounds, I had been getting 11-12 mile track workouts in every Tuesday night to add to my 15-20s on weekends, I was all over crosstraining with situps and pushups and biking and whatever else.  Boston was an obsession – once I got within 9 minutes of the qualifying time that was all I thought about.

I had Sam Adams and Boston Creme doughnuts in a cooler; my dad was there and so was the girl I thought was the greatest in the world at the time, all supporting me and there to share in the glory of a BQ (which every runner knows as the initials for Boston Qualifier).

And it didn’t happen.  I led the race at one point, which should have told me I was being dumb.  I needed a 3:10 – 7:15 miles – and I was on that pace for almost the whole thing, but I ran under pace too long…I left too much out there and when I lost about a minute per mile for the last six I still set my personal best time and placed in my age group.  But it was devastating.  I pouted through the awards ceremony and the next couple weeks.  In my mind you only got one shot every few months…the recovery from going all out on a marathon took a while.  But I had already planned to pace said world’s-most-wonderful-girl to her BQ a few weeks later, so when she bailed out of that race and I had one more shot at Boston I wouldn’t tell anyone and I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but by the time I toed the start line the dream of Boston consumed me.  I was ready to suffer.

My mom cried when I told her I had qualified.  My dad didn’t answer the call – when he called back ten minutes later he said something like “either things went horribly wrong or incredibly right, but this is too early for you to be calling me after this race”.  I ran 25.2 great miles and one excruciating one – not that it hurt (it didn’t) but that I knew I had it unless I cramped, pulled a muscle, fell down…  And, shoot, I’m a regular guy so the grandiosity isn’t really there, but I don’t know that I’ve ever been happier than crossing that finish line with a qualifying time.  Boston, man. Boston.

Boston

The cruel punishment of qualifying for Boston is that you, you know, have to run Boston.  It’s an epically tough course that only real runners understand. The net elevation is negative – how hard could it be?  But Boston ruins your legs.  It’s an amazing course – a slight downhill out of Hopkinton through Ashland and Natick into Wellesley.  The “Scream Tunnel” in Wellesley where the all-women’s college makes you feel like McCartney or Timberlake for a full mile and you have no choice but to lift your knees and push the pace.  But then you hit Newton, Hell’s Alley, and Heartbreak  Hill.  The downhills and the pace you tried to push just trash your legs; the crowd support is amazing but it makes you think you’re invincible when reality is you’re not…you pay for it in Newton and Brookline.  But you enjoy it too.

Before you get to that point you take the bus from Boston Common to Hopkinton – a 45-minute trek that reminds you just how long the race really is.  You bond with fellow runners, you hang out at Athlete’s Village, you hear war stories from everyone’s qualifier, you realize you’re running – to quote Big Papi – foocking Boston!!!!!.

So when you hit Boylston, that finish line that America now knows as synonymous with Pearl Harbor, Oklahoma City, World Trade – you’ve run 26 miles hoping to get to that point and you’re running .2 miles that you hope will never end.  That turn from Hereford Street to Boylston Street is a dream come true – you see the finish line, the Boston badging, the crowds…it’s everything you worked for.  After Boston I listen to that NCAA Tournament closing song “One Shining Moment” and, yeah, I tear up a little…”and all those years, no one knows, just how hard you worked, but now it shoooows….”.

The finish line at Boston isn’t the finish line of a marathon.  It’s the finish line of several marathons.  You have to have an epic marathon to even get to the start line of Boston.  The finish line of Boston is the finish line of your dreams if you’re a runner. And that’s why the Boston attacks hurt even more, that’s why the running community just keeps running to cope.  The Boston Marathon finish line , yes, is a mass collection of people and I guess a good target for terrorists.  But it’s more than that – it’s the culmination of dreams, a place you suffer over and over to get to.  And that’s why it’s that-much-more devastating to me that it’s a nightmare for so many, a place of real suffering and not self-inflicted “suffering”.

I don’t know how to close this.  I’m still shell-shocked from Boston.  The last time I was in Boston, a business trip last December, I had about four hours to kill before I had to get to Logan to catch my flight.  I walked a little Freedom Trail, got some chowdah at Fanieul Hall, strolled around Fenway, and made sure I walked the finish line.  That’s Boston to me.  That attack hit America, it hit Boston, and it hit athletes everywhere.  For runners, that’s not just one finish line, it’s the finish line.  It crushes me that it’s the not just the greatest finish line of my life, it’s the actual finish line of three people’s lives.

Why Sports Matters

Posted: April 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

A few months ago I was at a bar in Manhattan Beach in an interesting situation.  I was there with my buddy Tyler, with whom I was facing off in fantasy football that week; our friend Dave, who played wide receiver in the NFL for six seasons; Dave’s girlfriend Annaliese, whose brother also plays in the NFL; and their friend Steve, a SportsCenter anchor on ESPN.  Tyler and I were talking all kinds of fantasy football trash, which was funny because we were sitting with people who are around the actual NFL all the time and we had to explain to them what we meant.  So then the NFLers turned it on us, asking “why do you care about sports?”.  They had the easy answer – it made them and people around them rich (which wasn’t their only answer, but a nice trump card they had).  For Tyler, Steve, and me?  They weren’t going to be easily impressed.  So I’ve been thinking about it and I’m more convinced than ever that sports do matter.  Here’s why:

Sports Unites

We’re a nation divided, a people divided.  Politics, religion, money, aspiration – in many ways, the more people around you the more you’re alone, as in New York and LA it’s not at all uncommon to not know your neighbors or say hello when you pass them on the street.  We’re segmented in entertainment with hundreds of channels designed to segment us into small slices of marketing goodness, and we walk around as (i)Pods the way Steve Jobs intended, earbuds in so that we walk to the beat of our own personal soundtrack out of tune with others’.

But sports?  Sports makes us all wear the same color shirts and fight traffic to be together.  Sports gets us up at the crack of dawn to park our cars on a grassy field and share beers and barbecues.  Sports packs us into a bar and forces us to high five and hug strangers.  Sports lets us say “Roll Tide” or “Go Blue” to people we see on the street and really mean it, genuinely smiling and taking pride in our collective happiness.  Sports unites.

When I was six, the Detroit Tigers won the World Series.  I was old enough to watch games on TV, follow along when I got to go to a game or two a year with my dad, read the box score in the paper.  I knew it was special, but when we won?  Neighbors came to the door hooting and hollering and spraying beer.  We hopped in someone’s car and drove the mile or so to downtown Plymouth and the town square, and the whole town was out, hugging, chanting, smiling…  That’s when I started to see the power of sports – the whole town was out, everyone was happy, sports had united.

This past couple weeks, Michigan’s basketball team made a deep run in the NCAA Tournament, and I was reminded again of that unifying power of sports.  As we got deeper and deeper into the tournament, I got more and more calls, texts, emails from friends from long ago – people I hadn’t talked to in months and people I hadn’t talked to in years.  And maybe it’s a sad commentary that we *needed* sports to bring us back together, but then again that’s the world.  We become divided whether by geography or new priorities or schedules.  Sports unites us.

And what’s most fascinating to me is that sports unites people regardless of their rooting interest.  So many of the calls and texts I got this week were from fans of other teams – they didn’t necessarily care that Michigan was in the finals, but they knew that I did and they understood.  My friend Hallie is a huge Alabama fan; we don’t work together anymore, we have totally different schedules and live in different parts of LA, but when Alabama has big games she always invites me over because she knows I understand – I’m not really rooting for Alabama (who roots for the house in blackjack or the killer in horror movies?) but I’m rooting for her to be happy because I know what it’s like to have a team on the verge like that.  Sports fans get sports fans.

Sports is the ultimate conversation starter – if you see someone in their team gear it’s a natural opener, either “congratulations” or “bummer about that game” or “good luck tonight”.  It’s something we all have in common – if LeBron James scores 50 points over the weekend, it’s noteworthy enough that we can all talk about it on Monday; if the Lakers sneak into the playoffs, it’s a conversation whether you love them or hate them.  A guy who works for us in Boston wrote to me the other day – as part of our half-business, half-basketball email chain – that “I can’t count how many people I know that I wouldn’t know if we didn’t have sports in common”, and I agree.  Sports isn’t just a conversation starter, it’s a natural reason to invite people over or out to the bar for a game.  In a way it’s lowest common denominator – it’s tough to get people excited about an activity you researched or dreamed up, but if you invite people to watch a game at the bar?  You’ll get enough turnout and probably know some other people there, anyway, that you’re bound to have a good time.

Living in Los Angeles, I’ve noticed that certain cities have that extra level of civic pride and brotherhood, and sports is invariably the reason – Boston people are thrilled to see other Boston people; I wear my Detroit Tigers hat walking down the beach and call it “the friendmaker” since someone from back home is bound to say say something and strike up a conversation.  Sports unites us.  Sports matter.

Sports Matter Because They Don’t Matter

You know why sports are such a good conversation starter?  In large part because they’re more or less trivial – they’re something we care about while all the while we know it’s not real life.  You can’t casually ask someone “how’s your marriage?” or “how’s your retirement portfolio?” the same way you can ask “how about those Lions?”.  Sports matter because we care about them even though they don’t matter – they’re perfect for conversation, perfect for feeling those artificial highs and lows to help balance out the real nerves, fears, and pains of whatever may ail you.  Sports are just trivial enough to matter.

Think of it like this – we’re animals.  We thrive on adrenaline, we’ve evolved to be active, raise our heart rates, let emotion take over and feel highs, lows, and everything in between. But we’ve created a world where that doesn’t happen regularly – most of us aren’t worried at all about our next meal the way our ancestors were.  The day to day of your job or relationship doesn’t really change – there are milestones but they’re far apart.  So look at humanity – we look to drugs, alcohol, manufactured drama, anything to feel highs and lows the way nature intended.  And then there are sports – sports allow us to feel that adrenaline, gearing up for a big game as though we’re narrowing in on a survival hunt; narrowly escaping defeat and being able to feel the stress pour off of us. All exhaling “oohhh” in unison when a big shot just misses the net.  Sports is just trivial enough to let us do all of that – to really feel – without much consequence.  As we’ve created a world in which we sit at desks and answer phones and type on keyboards, sports lets us get that moment to moment surge of anxiety and adrenaline.

Sports Inspires

The caveat to “sports doesn’t matter” is “well, neither do the Kardashians or  anything on HBO”.  But the difference is that sports *is* real – it’s people pushing past their limits, it’s the human body achieving new heights.  The adrenaline we get from sports can be channeled – into a better workout, into going after a goal, into putting everything you have into whatever confronts you.  After Trey Burke’s jumper against Kansas two weeks ago, I ended up on the Venice Beach basketball courts shooting threes – our crew was inspired by the game and wanted to play.  Lance Armstrong inspired me to buy a road bike, which led to Ironman triathlons.  And athletes everywhere inspire kids to dream big and patients to fight hard.  Sports has the capacity to not just unite us, but involve us – it’s people like us (but then again not that much like us) doing amazing things, a reminder that we all have something amazing inside us.  Sports does that in a way that scripted entertainment just can’t.

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So sports does matter (and sidenote – I’m using “sports” as singular here…not entirely sure why but it felt right when I started writing.  Sorry, grammar nerds!).  When I was a kid I was known among the family for writing great thank-you notes after Christmas and birthdays, but my formula was pretty easy – know where my relatives lived and then find something that mattered to them to comment on or ask about.  And it was usually sports.  When my aunt and uncle lived in Dallas, it was the Cowboys. My grandparents were in Chicago – I’d ask about the Bulls.  Sports was an easy way to relate to the world; even now, it’s hard to truly know someone, as we all have the public “me” we show to the world and the internal dialogue of what really matters to us but that we may not want everyone (or anyone) to know.  Sports is that direct route to show someone you care about something that’s important to them – when a friend says “Go Blue”, shoot, it’s not that far off from “I love you” or at least “I care about you and want you to experience happiness today”.  And, readers, same to you.  Go Blue.

Fab Four-Eight-Thirteen

Posted: April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

April 4, 2013.  The day of the return.

On this day, 1993, I watched from a hospital bed, gauze coating my ears and nose.  Fabs vs. Tar Heels, and it wasn’t Chris’s TO that did us in.  It was Donald Williams going straight up insane from three, it was Carolina grabbing rebounds, it was us rimming out jumpers…but it was C-Webb’s TO when my dad patted me on the shoulder and said “I have to work tomorrow”.  And then it was SportsCenter for the next 10 hours.  My nurses thought they were doing me – a huge sports fan at age 13 – a favor by leaving it on.  But my breathing tube crimped when I rolled, so I didn’t sleep more than a few minutes at a time that night.  So while I saw Webber’s timeout 100+ times that night, I also saw Williams dropping threes, Montross grabbing boards, George Lynch with putbacks all night.

And my saving grace?  The Fab Five were sophomores.  I was a kid.  We’d be back.  But we haven’t been…until tonight.

Now?  I’m a grown-ass-man.  The team I loved…it took some hard times.  I got to college and we had some talent, but it didn’t click.  We won the NIT, but… I mean.  We won the inaugural Big Ten Tournament, but then dropped out in the second round to Baron Davis and UCLA.  And that was it…  It was almost ten years before we got back in the tournament.  And a goddamn lifetime until tonight, back in the finals.   And we were soclose.

This isn’t a game recap.  This isn’t sour grapes.  This isn’t a plea for some tiny place in history.  This is just my story as a Michigan basketball fan who loved the hell out of the last season and wants to put it in perspective for posterity.  This is for Jalen, Juwan, Chris, Jimmy and Ray.  The same it’s for Glen, Loy, Terry, Mike, and Rumeal.  And it’s for Trey, Nik, Spike, Glenn, Tim, Mitch, Jordan, Caris, Jon and the gang.  And it’s for Jason McMann, Ryan Stayton, Adam Lilling, Heather Discher, Joe Johnson, Jeff Yuille, Jeff Williams…the people who never gave up on this team and who hurt tonight in the aftermath of being right there.

My story as a Michigan fan:

I remember losing to Villanova in 1985.  Not that vividly, but I knew Michigan was a one seed, and that was the state I lived in in a sport I cared about.  I was six.  We lost, it was a huge deal, I got over it.

I remember Gary Grant, Antoine Joubert, Roy Tarpley…   On certain Saturdays my dad would take me and my brother to Ann Arbor and he’d get a haircut and let us play on the high jump mats at the Track & Tennis Building while he ran laps – he’s my marathon/triathlon inspiration – and we’d get a sip of Gatorade at the end.  And on those Saturdays when Michigan was playing a tomato can opponent his barber – Bill from State Street Barbershop at State & Packard – would have free upper level tickets to those games.  I loved those games.

I remember picking Michigan in my first bracket and keeping up that tradition.  I loved that team  – the giant M to start the word “Michigan” on their jerseys, the big games with Indiana and Michigan State, the fact that the name on the jersey was the same as the state I lived in… So I picked them against seeding, against reason, against logic.

But then the coach quit.  Days before the 1989 tournament.  Bill Frieder got more money somewhere else, and the football coach who was now the Athletic Director said those famous words that spoke like crazy to a ten year old: “A Michigan Man will coach Michigan”.  And Michigan went on a run, but not before a standoff at the Galvin household.  My father had grown up in Jersey and gotten a masters degree at Seton Hall – he’s now going balance 30 years later with a masters at Michigan – and so he and I butted heads over the ’89 final, but Michigan won its only title to date, 80-79 on some Rumeal Robinson free throws.  As it turns out…the foul was questionable and Rumeal’s character was more than that (he’s in prison for stealing from his own grandmother).  But I was hooked.

And then…

After a couple tough years getting knocked out by JR Reid’s Carolina teams and the team-of-destiny from Loyola Marymount after Hank Gathers’ death, the Fab Five arrived.

Jalen, Juwan, Jimmy, Chris Ray.

The team that I thought only defined my small generation of kids from Michigan but who defined so much more.  The baggy shorts, the black shoes and socks, the bald heads.  MIA might get credit for “no one on the corner got swagger like us” but she’s ripping off the Fab Five.  No one in history had swagger like them.  And I lived a half-hour away as a middle-schooler.  My dad had season tickets – I went to a couple games a year…he split them with a neighbor and the two of them went to all the big games together – and every kid I knew had the gear.  That team was transcendent.  I watched the coming out party against Duke over a TV dinner and a babysitter.  I watched the “Shock the World” Final Four game as a babysitter down the street, and if those kids had set the house on fire I wouldn’t have known or cared.  I was hooked.

A few years later I lived out my dream of going to Michigan and immediately bought season basketball tickets.  I had tickets with several friends – at least 7-10 of us – and we had to sit up in the upper bowl.  During the fall of our freshman year, Robert  Traylor broke a backboard with a dunk. The next day I flew to Florida to meet my family for Thanksgiving at Disney World.  They knew all about the dunk…it had been national news.  That team underachieved and went to the NIT…but then won it.  We were still relevant and building.  But then…

Trouble was brewing.  A car accident the year before had brought out some legal eyes: the car was too expensive for the driver, Maurice Taylor (my least favorite human being of my lifetime…good player, awful human) and the recruit inside, Mateen Cleaves, would come to haunt us.  The coach was fired, the team went to the NCAA tournament the next year…but that was the last time for a decade.

Now…we may well have deserved some punishment, but to date I’ve seen a lot of NCAA probation for less.  Ohio State football, USC football, Auburn and Cam Newton – it’s been wild.  But Michigan…I was naive but it was over for ten years as it turns out.  The coach was fired, the program went on a “fact finding” self-imposed probation, and the uncertainty and lack of coaching decimated the program.  My junior year was awful but my senior year we got a taste of glory.  With now LA-Clipper Jamal Crawford leading a new freshman class we went 13-1 and took #1 Duke to the limit…before Jamal was suspended for “suspicion of benefits” (which turned out to be a pretty common violation) for the rest of the season, right before the Michigan State game.  State blew us out and went on to win the championship.

During that time, I saw the temporarily-declining program and the ascending program up the road in Lansing and decided to do something.  I started writing a newsletter at basketball games, called “The Full Court Press” (a step up from the Half Court Press , the newsletter from the Izzone at Michigan State).  I kept it up two seasons and people caught on – I was the “voice” of the newly-founded student section, nomenclatured by the t-shirts distributed among us that said “Maize Rage”.  By that point, my crew of several friends in the student section had eroded to a few people in my graduating class – many times it was me and a handful of new friends, among them Jason McMann, Ryan Stayton, Heather Dichter, and maybe 2-3 others – representing the senior class.  It was certainly less than a dozen of us.

But we persevered.  The Athletic Department was reading my newsletter and I got hired along with the new coach, Tommy Amaker.  I was in charge of generating student spirit; for that, a few years later with the advent of the movie “Old School”, students started referring to me as “The Godfather”.  Someday here I’ll post my alternate lyrics to the Jay Z track “H to the Izzo” – “L (loss” to the Izzo (MSU’s coach)”.  We created a legit student organization, one that exists year-round outside of basketball tickets and games.  I’ve gotten teary-eyed when I’ve seen folks like Denard Robinson throw on a  Maize Rage shirt.  But for several years…that organization chased some terrible teams.

It’s late, it’s postgame (our national championship loss to Louisville) and I’m rambling, but what it comes down to is this: that was more than ten years ago.  Since then I’ve made good friends in grad school and started a local business with a guy, Joe, who around the same time I was an alum helping out the Maize Rage created a petition to get Rick Pitino, the coach who beat us tonight, to coach Michigan (Rick accepted, then reneged, but Joey got to talk to him on his cell phone which is pretty sweet).  I’ve sen Michigan finally beat Michigan State again, and do it a few times in a row…all  coming long after that day that Jason McMann and I painted our faces to watch us lose by 51 points at MSU.  I’ve lived a lifetime with this team.

I lived a full lifetime with this team this past week, from Trey Burke’s jumper to tie Kansas after we were down 10 with under 2 to go, to the dominance of Florida, to the win over Syracuse, to the first half dominance of Louisville to tonight’s loss.  I’ve lived multiple lifetimes with this team, many in the past couple weeks and many more over the last 25 years.

What does it all mean?  I’m trying to sort it out, but Michigan basketball has been a fixture in my life and it’s taught me that things may seem easy but they’re never easy; it’s taught me that the true believers – all the real MFers – are few and far between but worth holding onto and staying in touch with. And it’s given me a hell of a ride the last three weeks.

When the Fab Five went down by 19 to UCLA in 1993, my brother, sister, and I tried to rally the team by doing somersaults off the couch in my parents’ basement. Michigan came back to win that game and get to the national final, the aforementioned Webber TO game.  All tournament long, 20 years later, my siblings and I responded to dire situations by texting each other the word “somersaults”. And tonight I did somersaults on the corner of Wilshire and 11th in Santa Monica, CA, trying to rally the team.  Didn’t work this time, but it proves that Michigan basketball runs deep, and I appreciate the ride.

Thank you to Trey, Mitch, Tim, Spike, Nick, Glenn, Jordan, Caris and the  gang for giving us hope.  Thank you to those who have believed the last 20 years when believing was rough.  And thank you to sports fans everywhere for giving this stuff meaning.

We On.  We weren’t for a long time but we so on right now and one setback won’t change that.  Last time we got thisclose  I suffered the rest of the night in a hospital bed.  This time I suffer as an adult, blogging to avoid the nightmares that will come from closing my eyes and reliving.  But it’s been a heck of a ride.  Go Blue.  We On.

A Letter to Pope Francis

Posted: March 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear Pope Francis,

Congratulations on the new job!  I tried Tweeting you at @Pontifficator but you may not yet be as hip as the ol’ Benedictator when it comes to social media.  Soon enough, though…hope you get this email.

A little about me:  I’m Irish-Catholic by upbringing and tradition (psyched for St. Patrick’s Day this weekend), was an altar boy from about 3rd grade through middle school, was baptized, confirmed, and became a godfather at another baptism, have visited Jerusalem and Vatican City on some soul searching…but honestly my church attendance has been pretty lax the last six years or so.  My policy:  In any calendar year I need to go to church more often than I go to Vegas (instituted in 2008, when Vegas won 5 to 4).  For 2013 Vegas is up one-zip, but I’ll be at Mass on Easter to even the score.

And I guess that’s where you come in.  I had a pretty good track record under John Paul II and I’m not really blaming Benedict for my recent slew of absences.  There are a ton of factors – most modern countries are getting less religious, I live in an ironically sinful and nonreligious area where every city is named after a saint and/or a Spanish Catholic mission, I have I think everyone’s doubts about whether there’s really a God and how accurate and literal the Bible really is.  But, shoot, man – your institution hasn’t helped matters much recently and I’m hoping you can at least give us some more reasons to believe.

Have you ever seen the movie Dogma?  You should – Jay and Silent Bob, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Salma Hayak as a stripper and Chris Rock as a prophet and George Carlin being George Carlin.  It’s actually a pretty good litmus test for American religious realness, I’d say.  If you can laugh at it even while it’s being pretty sacreligious at times, I think you kind of get the modern world in way that just having a Twitter account doesn’t really suffice.  It’s supposed to be satirical but some of the most religious, pious, just truly great people I know really like it because they get the real message – that there is and absolutely needs to be a break between the tenets of spirituality and religious tradition and what has become the institutional religious dogma that quite frankly turns a lot of us Good Samaritans and would-be-disciples off.

If you’ve read this blog before you can probably tell that I’m a man who’s worn a Lance Armstrong Livestrong bracelet.  But maybe the most meaningful bracelet out there is the good old WWJD bracelet.  And I’m hoping you’ll direct the institution you now control – the church I grew up in, the institution that means so much to my grandparents and less but still something to my parents and my generation – back toward that message and away from politics and dogma.  A little less Roman, a little more Catholic.  A little less Old Testament fire and brimstone and a little more New Testament “what you do the least among you you do unto me”.  Crank up a little of Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter” in the Popemobile and you may hear a little Christ in there…”I think it’s about forgiveness”.

Because, shoot, I’m several paragraphs in now and I haven’t addressed the elephant in the room – at least a ventricle of the heart of the matter here.  Your institution – Jesus’s institution that he passed down to pope after pope and that now rests in your hands – molested kids and covered it up.  I say my Hail Marys to two entities – Our Mother (but not Notre Dame) and the University of Michigan on fall Saturdays. But had my parents not moved from Wilkes-Barre to Ypsilanti, had I grown up in Pennsylvania and attended the football-loving main state school where I grew up, I think I’d say the same thing:  Penn State football should be finished.  One sicko molests a kid and you deal with him; you follow WWJD and you forgive him but you don’t do so cavalierly.  You work like crazy to make it up to the kid and you make sure it never happens again.  Penn State football screwed up royally and institutionally and sickeningly and I hate seeing their highlights on SportsCenter and the articles about the poor players and poor fans who have to live with the aftermath and especially the poor Paterno family and how they have to somehow soldier on on the backs of millions of dollars while the legacy of their patriarch has been (rightfully) tarnished forever.  Penn State football should be excommunicated from the public consciousness, unless it’s brought up again in remembrance of the victims and the cause.  But, shoot – to err is human and to forgive is divine…and Penn State is human and secular and slavish to the almighty dollar.  But you’re supposed to be divine.

So how is a Doubting Thomas like me supposed to adhere to the teachings of the church when the church is worse than Penn State?  And how can the church hold so rigidly to its almost 2,000 year old dogma – women can’t be priests, priests can’t marry, birth control and homosexuality are sins – when it can’t honor the Golden Rule and the most central of principles that God sent Jesus to preach and exemplify?

So please, please be progressive.  My requests:

1) Make the child molestation thing right.  No harboring, no aiding and abetting.  Forgiveness, sure but eventually.  Clean it up (more on how in a second) and make amends to the victims.  I’ve visited your fancy new digs – you’re selling advertising on the side of the Vatican while all the while you have thousands of Michaelangelos and DaVincis in storage because you can’t possibly display it all.  Money’s not an issue.  Become a leader in child abuse awareness education, set up scholarship funds for affected kids, whatever you need to do.  WWJD, and the answer isn’t “hope it goes away or goes unnoticed”.

2) Let priests marry.  You know how you clean up the child abuse situation? Don’t create an atmosphere where it’s bound to happen.  As a former altar boy – who had no involvement or knowledge of anything like that at my church, but spent some time with priests is why I’m saying this – I won’t say I wasn’t initially shocked by the scandal, but then again after a few minutes of thinking about it I wasn’t really *that* surprised.  As a ten year old I could tell priests were different from the other grown men I knew, and I didn’t blame them.  They were lonely, they were isolated.  Comparing Father Joe or Father Perfetto to my dad…my dad had a job during the day but his real life was at home with us, with my mom. Coaching soccer, pitching wiffle ball in the neighborhood, going out for beers with his running buddies.  Priests were priests all the time.  They lived with the other priests in a house next to the church.  Most adults work at least a few miles away from where they live, and many live a few towns away.  They’re not always their work selves.  Priests had this weird singularity to their lives – everything they did centered on being a priest and everyone they knew was part of the parish and saw them as the priest.

Think about Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Exceptional men, good leaders…mistresses of convenience.  Lewinsky, the maid.  As Chris Rock says “a man is only as faithful as his options”.  Those guys were good-looking, powerful, etc. and even *they* stooped to a weird level when that itch needed scratching.  Now look at a priest – no real experience dealing with women, all the women they know are parishoners who see them in this celibate light…what are their options?  Have you ever seen the HBO show “Taxicab Confessions”?  It’s a bunch of tawdry admissions that people make to cabbies and it’s risque enough that it’s a whole series on a popular cable network.  These priests hear those kinds of confessions for a living – they’re facing some kind of sexual temptation regularly but through the constraints of their chosen profession they don’t have any real outlets.  What do you expect?

So that’s half of it, but here’s the other half – who goes into the priesthood if it means giving up any chance of having a family or a “normal” life?  Which teenage/twentysomething boys, having recently discovered and been discovered by girls, is willing to make that lifetime sacrifice?  It cuts down your pool of potential priests considerably.  You’re losing out on great candidates *and* by the same token you’re increasing the likelihood that the men you employ will be…let’s just say strange.  If you’re a ladies man – does Don Juan have the same connotation in Argentina? – or feel you might blossom into one any day now, you’re that much less likely to make that permanent celibacy decision.  But if you don’t fit in in that world, there has to be an increased probability that that’s not what you’d value as highly so you’re probably more willing to make that decision, right?  It’s a sample size of one, but I know one guy from high school who became a priest and he’s top ten strangest humans I’ve ever met.  Watched a lot of those Faces of Death movies and would tell you all about them if you were stuck on a work shift together; would walk around the pool club we worked at in a Speedo like it was no big thing.  Weird dude.  Priest.  Me, my brother, our dozens of other buddies who grew up in the same church?  Never really considered it.

WWJD?  Lot of evidence out there in the Gnostic gospels that Jesus said things like “My wife” a few times.  The Bible goes way out of its way to include Mary Magdalene – a prostitute…sex can’t be that bad, right? – as a central figure and a favorite friend of Jesus’s.  Jesus was brought into human form to humanize God, to be one of us.  Why shouldn’t priests have that opportunity to live like their congregation, to celebrate and interact with women?

3) Let women be priests.  There’s the fairness thing, equal opportunity and all that.  But more than that there’s the pragmatic thing.  Women are over half the population.  They’re dynamic speakers, they’re innovators, they’re great at organization and fundraising and leadership.  They have all the qualities you would want in a priest in at least as high of amounts as men do, and so by leaving them out of the mix you cut your labor pool in half.  So, again, you end up with a lot of B-teamers leading your masses.

Then there’s WWJD again.  Again, JC adored Mary Magdalene.  And depending on whether dogma classifies Jesus as a human or not, Mary (mother Mary) is either the greatest or second greatest human being of all-time in the church’s eyes.  Why not women?

4) Lay off the birth control thing.  I’ve only read a little about you but it sounds like you’re going to make poverty a big focus in your papacy. I applaud and admire you for that.  So let’s get real…middle class Catholics – us buffet Catholics who pick and choose the pieces of doctrine we like (and even if we screw that up a little, we all embrace the heck out of that forgiveness clause so I think we’re okay in the end) – don’t listen to the Vatican on birth control.  But poor Catholics – and, disproportionately, poor Catholics from your neck of the woods south of the border – do.  And it’s killing their chances of getting out of poverty.  You know that saying “The Lord helps those who help themselves”?  (Of course you do…is the Pope Catholic?)  He’s giving poor Catholics a chance.  Condoms, pills, Elaine Benes’s sponge…man, I can respect your take on abortion coming from the church itself, but these other methods?  Any time you can prevent a curious teenager from dooming both herself and her child from a life of poverty, I have to think Jesus wants you to do that.  The New Testament is all about forgiveness and inclusion; Jesus understood that people were sinners and he embraced us for it.  Leviticus may disagree but Jesus gets the final say, right?  Leviticus didn’t even make the Trinity…podium finishers only, man.  Jesus forgives, Jesus understands.  Jesus would understand the stats and the temptations and the modern world we live in where “be fertile and multiply” should probably take a backseat to “how are we going to feed all 8 billion of us” and the sympathy for young single mothers.

5) Maybe most importantly, be inclusive.  Do you know why Christianity spread like wildfire?  In large part because it wasn’t exclusive.  You didn’t have to be born into it.  You didn’t have to be circumsized.  The Jesus message is ridiculously universal and welcoming.  God loves you.  God knows you’re not perfect but he loves you anyway.  God loves you so much and wants you to know that so deeply that he sent Jesus in human form to become one of you, to understand your lives better, to fraternize with the sick, the lame, the poor, the elderly, the prostitutes.  God doesn’t hate anyone, but if he did he’d hate the “God Hates Fags” sign carriers a lot more than he’d hate the fags themselves.  Half the New Testament is about Jesus befriending the undesirables.  The Beatitudes are all about “blessed are the poor, the sick, the meek”.

So let’s get inclusive. Let’s go back to the way St. Paul spread this thing like he was Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all rolled up in one.  #jesuslovesjesusforgives #lethewhoiswithoutsincastthefirststone #allarewelcome  The church’s greatest asset is its core message, that only God can judge us and that he’s willing to forgive. Let’s not lose sight of that.

I don’t think I’m all that different from a lot of arm’s-length Catholics. We’re going to question the heck of out of religion because that’s the world we live in, one of science and reason, one of pragmatism and skepticism, one in which we’ve been disappointed too many times by leaders and promises and in which we’ve been distracted by false idols and American Idols.  But I think a lot of us still want to believe in Jesus’s message and in the church’s mission.   They teach in philosophy that Jesus was either “Lord, Liar, or Lunatic” but I’m willing to give him a dimension in between – a great man whose vision and message is important whether he’s the son of God and the son of a virgin or whether he’s just the incredibly admirable son of an incredibly admirable mortal named Mary.  Forgiveness, tolerance, do unto others as you would like done unto you – like many prodigal Catholic sons I’m going to continue to have my doubts about divinity but either way that’s a message I can get behind.  I hope the church can focus on it, too and I’m particularly hopeful that you’re the man for the job.

Amen,

Brian

A Case for Midwestern Weather

Posted: January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

It’s late January in Detroit.  And Chicago, and Minneapolis, and, well everywhere, but throughout the Midwest and Northeast.  And there many are wishing they lived somewhere warmer – down South or in the Southwest.  And in those places, they can’t imagine living north.

Demographic trends show this.  Southern and southwestern states are gaining population while those in the “Rust Belt” are losing it, and while some of this is due to immigration patterns and jobs, there’s still that stigma that “who would want to live where it’s cold when you could instead live where it’s warm?”.

So as I sit here in Southern California, having closed a window on January 27th because the ocean wind is picking up tonight, I have this to say:

There’s a case to be made for Midwestern weather, namely:

1) The “unbearable” days in the Midwest are the shortest; in the south and desert southwest, they’re the longest.

Yeah, in the Midwest there are some awful days. Heavy snow making commutes horrible; temperatures below zero; a lack of sun for more than a week at a time.  But think about when those days come – December, January, and February.  Those are the shortest days of the year.  I live in Los Angeles. It was 70 degrees at the  beach today…but it was dark by 6:30.  And in Phoenix or Orlando or Houston, those warm-weather hotbeds, it was probably a gorgeous day, too.  But it was dark long before 7pm, as it was in Detroit and Chicago.

The difference – in those eternally warm places,these are among the best days of the year.  By May it will be over 100 degrees much of the time, and you can certainly argue that those days are every bit as unbearable as the below-zero days in the Midwest (more on this in a second).  But these are the *best* days in the South; the best days in the north are in the summer, when it’s light out until 9 or later.  In the Midwest, the best days for being outside are the longest days of the year.

So if you accept that in most places – and I’ll fully admit that here in Santa Monica we really don’t have to choose, but then again a small fraction of the world has this coastal Mediterranean climate – have at least a couple months of lousy weather, the Midwest  makes out really well on the deal.  The best days are the longest and the worst are the shortest.  And…

2) It’s easier to warm up outside than it is to cool off

I’m a distance runner.  I grew up in Detroit.  And there weren’t more than 2-3 days in any given year that I couldn’t run outside.  If you dress for it, winter weather is pretty manageable, especially nowadays with lightweight, insulated clothing for active sports.  With a thermal layer, you can ski or run or walk in pretty much any weather.  And even without – as kids we had a habit of playing basketball on New Year’s Eve every year, since our parents would typically all gather at one family’s house and leave the kids playing in the basement or outside.  And the only thing that truly hurt was your hands once you ran them under water after coming inside (it’s awful…worst pain I’ve experienced but it lasts maybe twenty seconds) to get the feeling back.

The point?  Cold weather doesn’t prohibit you from outdoor activities.  And some are actually fantastic – skiing, sledding, snowball-fighting, pond hockey.  You just have to dress for it.  But in the heat of summer in Phoenix or New Orleans?  Forget about it – you can’t work out outdoors past mid-morning for fear of heat stroke; you sweat through your clothes within minutes of walking outdoors.  When it comes to extremes, warm weather is more of a deterrent than cold-weather when it comes to most recreational activities.

So is scraping windshields and shoveling driveways a bummer? Sure.  But as much of a nuisance as cold weather can be, I’d argue it beats the alternative when it comes to livability.

3) A common opponent

It’s easy to scoff at those who say they “love the seasons” or that “cold weather builds character”, but I truly believe this to be true: a winter’s worth of snow, ice, and cold benefits the community all year round, and it’s because winter weather provides everyone in the community with a common opponent.

Think about it – as a society we don’t have all that much in common.  It used to be that there were three channels on TV and a community gathering place in the center of town and people had things in common because there just weren’t many things overall.  But now – there are hundreds of channels on cable, plus people watch a lot of TV on their own schedule with DVR or Hulu or entire TV series on Netflix.  We don’t listen to communal radio, as everyone has an iPod or a 12-disc changer in their (old) car.  Newspapers are nearly dead – most news nowadays is national and partisan.  There’s not much you have to talk or care about with someone who just happens to live nearby.  Except the weather.

And the common opponent of cold weather is a great one for bringing people together.  When it snows heavily, you drive more carefully and let people go in front of you.  You see neighbors shoveling driveways or digging their car out from a drift, and you help them because they’d do the same for you.  You mention the weather to the people in line at Starbucks, you tell people to “stay warm out there” as you hold the door for them.  You’re all in it together.

And then spring comes, and you rejoice together because you suffered together.  On the first really nice day of spring, you can’t help but say “great day, huh?” as you pass someone on the street.  You wave to people on bikes or out jogging because you know how much the great weather means to them.  There’s something about suffering and achieving together – that’s what made the Greatest Generation so great, through the Depression and WWII.  And with winter weather, communities have that.

Here in Los Angeles, our common opponent is traffic, which is a terrible common opponent to have in that its very nature is “too many people”.  So it’s not really a common opponent – because you’re one of those people to me, I’m against you, and vice versa.  Your very presence on the road exacerbates my greatest daily challenge.  And we don’t have that same kind of community.

Now, certainly I’m romanticizing the common-opponent function of weather.  Not every day in Buffalo or Minneapolis is “Christmas Eve on Sesame Street”.  But I have noticed it time and again, and the every-few-years’ storm here in California where it pours rain for days a time is actually one of my favorite LA traditions. People are just nicer to each other, friendlier to each other, because for that stretch we’re all in it together.  We should all have a common opponent, and winter weather is a great one.

 

So what’s my point?  This time of year, many in the Midwest see the grass as greener down south or out in the desert.  Some take a trip to Florida or the Caribbean; others think about moving to Phoenix or Vegas.  My point – don’t move to Phoenix or Vegas.  Or inland SoCal, for that matter.  It’s a bad trade, giving up the great days / long days combination, the common opponent, and the ability to acclimate yourself to lousy weather with nothing more than $50 and an REI membership.  There’s something to be said for Midwestern weather, even if you’re only looking at the warm/cold “when can I go outside” factor and even if you’re not taking into account green grass, fall leaves, snow days and that first day in spring where girls bare their shoulders again and teachers hold classes outside and everyone acts like a lottery winner because there’s something about that freshness of spring.  Midwestern weather – winter weather – is its own reward in many ways, and I’d argue that it beats nearly every other climate out there when it comes to livability.

So enjoy it, Midwesterners, for you’re the lucky ones.  And if you need me, I’ll be at the beach.  Nobody has anything on coastal southern California.

All That Glitters Is Not Silver

Posted: December 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

Instead of an apology/excuse for not having posted in months, let’s get this first-post-in-forever started with a different cliche: year-in-review, albeit with this blog’s own cliche, the rant.

Every Christmas I spend a ton of time recapping the state of education and politics with family and friends, most of whom these days are pretty like-minded as educators and progressive thinkers.  And this time of year it’s common to take a look back and recap on the events of the year.  And through all of those discussions and reflections, I’ve come up with two rant-worthy conclusions:

1) All that glitters is not (Nate) Silver

2) One of the main differences in philosophy among most of us is short-term vs. long-term thinking…and I’ll openly campaign for long-term

A big portion of this comes from discussions about educational reform and the charter school and common-core movements, and spills over into much of what I’ve seen/heard in business and decision making.  With education, two major pet peeves include:

-An emphasis on “raising test scores”, tying school funding and teacher pay to those test scores, and trying to keep up with the world as it pertains to those test scores, and

-The statistics that charter schools are outpacing traditional public schools

Why those stats bug me – just a moment.  But here’s why they’re so popular…Moneyball and Nate Silver.  Those two things (Moneyball the movie…what last year?  And Silver all this year) have been perverted quite a bit from their true nature, which is absolutely intelligent and correct,  to the pop culture version of them:  “use statistics to make good decisions!”.  And the pop version is just about dead wrong, because neither Moneyball nor Nate Silver claimed to be the first to consider statistics – they’re just the  best in the game at looking at the most valuable statistics (and thereby writing off the less valuable statistics) when it comes to making decisions.

Here’s a quick synopsis of Moneyball, the book:

For years, baseball decision makers have relied heavily on a certain set of statistics, including RBIs, batting averages, ERAs, and pitcher W-L record.  But as a cash-strapped Oakland A’s franchise realized that it couldn’t afford to compete with the Yankees, Red Sox, and other big-market teams to buy the players best at those stats, it had to dig deeper and found that:

-Batting average is a little overrated, as it doesn’t factor in walks (or hit-by-pitch), and since most hits are singles anyway why does it really matter if you walked or  singled?  You’re on base, and that’s a good thing. On-base percentage is a more useful stat, particularly because there’s value in a player who can get on base after a 10-pitch at bat vs. a 5-pitch at bat…the former makes the pitcher work harder and therefore means you get to the middle reliever (who’s usually not as good) sooner.

-RBIs aren’t as highly correlated with success as one might think, because too much of that stat is based on one’s teammates and position in the batting order, and those variables can skew the data.  A leadoff hitter won’t get many RBIs since at least 1/4 of his at bats, by nature, will not have anyone on base.

Moneyball the book was focused on finding the most predictive statistics – it absolutely conceded the fact (which the movie didn’t) that people had been using stats for a century…it just questioned whether they were using the best possible stats to make their decisions.

Similarly, with Nate Silver – he didn’t conduct his own polls, but rather created a system to determine bias in polls and reliability of polls so that he could  combine several polls in each state to find the most predictive algorithm out there.  He wasn’t the first at all to “use stats” – he just did a much better job than anyone else of determining which stats were the most meaningful, and which needed handicaps (say, the Rasmussen poll which had value but always came with a Republican bias because its methodology tended to lead toward more GOP-friendly responses).

So back to education – the problem with what’s happening with our use of test scores and charter school trends is that we’re blindly “focusing on stats” without going Nate Silver / Moneyball and trying to determine what those stats really tell us:

-Do the standardized tests that compare us against China and India really measure what we as a nation feel is most important?  Do they have biases that favor some students over others?

-Are the tests flawed?  Do they measure (as I predict) what’s “easy  to measure” over what’s truly valuable?

-Which kids take the tests (and which don’t)?  And what are their incentives?  In Michigan, the MEAP statewide test comes with a carrot – those who pass get (at least they did last time I looked) $1,000 toward college…but that assumes that the kids on the verge of passing are even interested in college.  And my contention – if you’re struggling with state-level proficiency, college really isn’t the carrot that motivates you, at least for a lot of those students. So why do they  care?

In the realm of the charter school, their charters essentially won’t allow them to make admission based on merit, but rather require that every student who chooses to apply has an equal chance of admission.  But here’s the catch – there’s a pretty substantial hurdle to jump to apply to a  charter school and it’s one that gives those schools a huge leg up on the public schools: you have to actually apply.  And so that process of filling out and submitting a form will weed out anyone whose family doesn’t value education enough to fill out the form.  Which means that charter school kids are much more likely to value education and have parents to supplement their in-school experience. It’s a small point but a huge one – public schools are guaranteed to have ALL the kids whose parents don’t fill out the form (and some whose parents do), while ALL charter school students have parents who at least care enough to fill out the paperwork.  Charter schools therefore SHOULD have a higher set of test scores – it’s not surprising that they do, but the masses like the political appeal of “look, they’re doing a better job – just look at the difference in test scores”.

So my rant – which may need to be continued since I’m running out for dinner with  two of my like five loyal readers, the main reason I finally got up and posted again – is essentially this:

Just because a study uses numbers doesn’t make it Nate Silver.  In fact, most conclusions based on numbers are crap – they’re misusing numbers or drawing conclusions that don’t logically follow.  What makes Silver and Billy Beane such visionaries is that they looked behind the numbers, then carefully selected the types of numbers that would lend a high probability of success in prediction.  But the legacy of Nate Silver’s 2012 and the movie Moneyball is quite often used for the opposite purpose – “look, we have numbers…we must be right!”.

Mark Twain is famous for a quote:  “There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics”.  If we’re using statistics to improve education we should at least heed the advice of one of the authors that we ALL read in school.  Moneyball and Nate Silver are NOT about “use statistics”, but rather “look behind the numbers to find the most relevant and predictive statistics”.  And if the tests we’re using to measure education lead us to promote and follow leaders who can’t see that ever-important distinction, then we’re absolutely using the wrong statistics.

So one of my favorite monotony-of-life themes involves those situations in which you have a pretty legitimate reason to go to a grocery store, but then circumstances intervene and you end up with a ridiculous shopping cart of a handful of completely disconnected items, and the person checking you out and/or the people in line near you must think you’re a lunatic.  But there’s a perfectly good explanation…that you can’t tell them or you really are a lunatic.

For example, back right after college, I was taking off from my parents’ house to stay a weekend with some friends in Ann Arbor (CW Chronicles fans, you’ll remember Brent and Sperling’s apartment above China Gate), and obviously I was going to stop at Meijer’s to pick up beer on the way.  On my way (and on my first ever cell phone) they called and asked if I could pick up a plunger while I was at the store.  Naturally I didn’t ask questions and just figured that it needed to be done.  And it wasn’t until I saw the look of disgust on the clerk’s face did I realize that I was a man purchasing exactly two items: a 30-pack of Busch LIght and a toilet plunger.

Anyway, that came back up tonight with the following circumstances:

Tomorrow is Halloween, and as is her custom our HR-ish coworker Michele announced a costume contest with 36 hours’ notice, so we all had to spring into action.  Many of us decided to all dress as our fun-to-mock coworker Tyler (who a couple weeks ago had to let one of us draw a tattoo of our boss on his neck because he lost to me in fantasy football; next week he has to perform a dance routine to Kelis’s Milkshake to complete the bet.  Yep, they pay me to work at this place and this is how I spend my time.)

Now, Tyler is a young buck with Frat Fashion Chic style – he’ll pop a collar now and then and once he matched his pastel polo to his canvas sneakers, and I remind him of this almost daily.  So the costume is easy:

-White shoes from Payless that I can marker up with a pastel marker to match my polo

-Popped collar on said polo

-Axe Body Spray sticking out of my pocket and Axe Hair Gel popping up my hair

-Red Bull and/or Four Loko in hand at all times

Alas, tonight I had to teach until about 10pm, so I didn’t have many options to pick up my Axe and pastel markers.  As I reached CVS, it was closing and they were pushing people out the door, so I had to go to Vons, the grocery store, as a last-ditch effort.  Fortunately they had some pastel Sharpies and some Axe, so I was good to go…but they didn’t have an available express check-out lane, and the two open lanes they had were jammed.  Now, I didn’t want to wait ten minutes for just markers and Axe body spray, so I had to make use of the time.  And like most grocery stores these days, Vons had the club card special where if you buy six bottles of wine you get an insane deal.  I didn’t need wine, but it’s not bad to have around the house in case people stop by or you get invited to dinner and need to bring something, so since I was waiting anyway I figured I could spring 50 bucks or whatever to load up the pantry with wine.  Again, not because I really wanted or needed any, but because I was bored and didn’t want to wait ten minutes in line without something more to show for it.  So I loaded up an armful of wine to go with my body spray and markers.  But here’s the catch – my club card is all mangled and the scenario didn’t take my phone number as a substitute, so a manager had to get involved while the line backed up and so at least 10 people got to spend some time considering my shopping cart which consisted of exactly:

(1) One bottle of Axe Body Spray

(1) One five-pack of pastel highlighter Sharpie markers

(6) Six bottles of wine

What must they have thought?  What kind of a grown-ass man has a shopping order like that?  And how was I note the weirdest order in my own line?  (The girl in front of me was 90% certainly a prostitute eating a Whole Foods salad and buying a carton of soup and a pack of gum)

Comment thread folk – can anyone top either order?

Author’s note: this article was a chapter in a book that my friend Adam and I never finished writing, but that we loved.  The premise – “What if…” in the world of sports, taking events or decisions and applying them to the Back to the Future / Space-Time Continuum test.  How would history be different?  Here’s one of our favorite chapters, predicting that if Michael Jordan, the greatest player of all time, had been rightfully drafted first by Houston (and not third by Chicago), Barack Obama would not be president.  Sidenote – we love the idea of footnotes, so please be warned that there are footnotes at the bottom of the post.  Here goes:

What if…the Houston Rockets had drafted Michael Jordan with the first pick in the 1984 NBA Draft? 

 

The 1984 NBA Draft may well be the most-discussed “what if” draft in sports history.  Famously, the Portland Trailblazers took injury-prone, seven-foot center Sam Bowie with the second pick, enabling the Chicago Bulls to take Michael Jordan third.  That selection would pay off in a big way for the Bulls, leading to six NBA championships, nine trips to the conference finals, and an unparalleled legacy as one of the greatest dynasties in sports.  Bowie, on the other hand, would suffer through an injury-plagued career and become most famous as a punchline, the guy who was drafted ahead of Jordan.

 

The Houston Rockets selected first in that draft, taking center Hakeem Olajuwon, and have never received much criticism for that choice.  Olajuwon was a can’t-miss prospect, and certainly didn’t.  In his second season, the Rockets made the NBA Finals (losing to the Boston Celtics), and by the end of his career he had led Houston to two championships[1].  In hindsight, Houston made a perfectly defensible choice with Olajuwon, but given Jordan’s career it’s hard to say that the Rockets shouldn’t have drafted MJ.  What would have happened if Houston had paired Ralph Sampson with Jordan?  If Portland had paired Clyde Drexler with Hakeem Olajuwon?   On the court, Portland would have been an absolute juggernaut, and with the Showtime Lakers, the David Robinson-led Spurs, and other Western contenders along the way, the deck would have been stacked a bit more against Jordan.  Off the court, one could argue, more importantly, that if Houston had picked Jordan, Barack Obama would not be United States President.

 

How are the two events linked?  Consider Jordan’s legacy as an African-American icon and pillar of American business, in the state of Illinois, spanning the childhood of the generation that would elect Obama to the U.S. Senate from Illinois.  That Jordan and Obama rose to prominence in the same state was helpful; that Jordan walked in to such a tailor-made situation to launch him to unparalleled success and influence in American pop culture was pivotal. 

 

First, let’s look at Michael Jordan’s influence in setting the stage for a black president…in a nation less than 150 years removed from slavery; less than a generation removed from school segregation and the assassinations of nearly every prominent figure in the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s.  In a nation where Obama was only the third black (post-Reconstruction[2]) Senator in an organization that maintains 100 members.  Jordan is credited, along with Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, with rescuing the NBA from its image problems in the early 1980s.  This was a tall order, as the image problems were mainly that the NBA was “too urban” for white America, which was fearful of drugs and gang culture. To be truthful, the NBA did have a fairly prominent cocaine problem at the time, but it’s also fair to note that America wasn’t quite ready for a thoroughly-black league only a generation after Jackie Robinson.  Jordan’s winning smile, relatable demeanor, and gentle touch transitioned the NBA from a perception of overpaid, overmedicated “thugs[3]” to a family-friendly, aspirational activity, with parents singing along with their children that they wanted to “Be Like Mike[4]”. 

 

Jordan’s elevation of the NBA was no small feat, but it’s even more noteworthy that he had songs like “Be Like Mike” to sing from his myriad endorsement contracts.   What he accomplished on the court was remarkable; the impact he had on the world off the court set the stage for a president like Barack Obama.  Jordan became the man every child wanted to be, and the man every parent would be proud to have as a son.  He had all the makings of a true American hero – he so idolized his father that he adopted (and made famous) his father’s nervous habit of sticking his tongue out as he worked.  He loved his mother, and so shared her passion for education that he wore his collegiate North Carolina shorts under his Bulls uniform (an homage to the school and his coach, Dean Smith – proof that Jordan respected and admired authority and those who could teach him).  He exemplified hard work and perseverance, having been cut from his high school varsity team before becoming a prep star.

 

And he was black, but in an America in which adjectives tend to precede the people they describe, Jordan wasn’t a “black superstar” but rather a superstar who happened to be black.  Parents had little choice but to (and little incentive not to) embrace him as their children’s hero, and kids saw him as Superman with little regard for the color of his skin.  By the late 1980s, less than a full generation removed from the assassinations of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X – and in the same timeframe as states fought to decline King’s holiday and keep their Confederate flags – a black man was America’s most prominent icon, export, and matinee idol. 

 

By 2008, the generation that grew up idolizing Jordan would be Barack Obama’s support base, forming a volunteer army that transformed the world of politics and voting in record numbers for their age demographic.  Their parents, the Baby Boomers, would represent the nation’s largest demographic group, and between the two groups would form a large majority of the voting-age public.  Having all come of age with a black hero on their walls, t-shirts, and televisions, they would represent the first voting public in American history with even a remote inkling that a black man could lead them.

 

To become president, however, one needs much more than the qualifications and demeanor to ensure the people that he can lead.  Well before that point, one needs the financial support of corporate and upper-class America to be able to afford the media necessary to reach out to the people.  The major political parties would certainly like to have a candidate who is capable, but they are much more concerned in having a candidate who is electable.  Politics is at least as much about winning as it is about governing, if only because you can’t do the latter if you haven’t done the former.  With – again, it bears repeating – only four black senators in modern history, how could corporate America in good faith put its backing behind a black candidate with a true chance to win the presidency?

 

Enter Michael Jordan, who between the years of 1984 and 2008 had proven, time and time again, to big business that investments in a black spokesperson-slash-icon can pay huge dividends.  Few blacks had risen to much national notoriety in anything other than “black” capacities, and the vast majority of corporate pitchmen were white.  But there was Jordan, cool, calm, and collected, the antithesis of “blacksploitation”, playing the leading man in ads for Nike, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s Hanes, Gatorade, General Motors, and other top companies; there was Jordan starring alongside Bugs Bunny in a family-themed feature film, Space Jam; there was Jordan, speaking at events for management consultants, investment bankers, salesmen, and advertisers alike, relishing his role as businessman off the court nearly as much as he thrived on winning on the court.

 

Fortune Magazine estimated upon Jordan’s (second) retirement from the NBA in 1998 that his impact on the global economy to that point had been $10 billion.  The Journal of Advertising Research found that Jordan’s return to basketball in 1995, after his first retirement, increased the market capitalization of his then-endorsement firms by $1 billion.  Jay-Z may get credit for the lyric, but it can easily be said that Jordan wasn’t a businessman, he was a business, man.  Or, more appropriately, an economy unto himself, and a business force that hadn’t been seen before.  Corporate America thrived upon the likability of a tall, handsome, well-spoken[5] black man, and the stage was set for similar figures – like Barack Obama – to achieve similar corporately-funded heights.

 

So, as argued above, Jordan’s popularity among the masses and profitability for Corporate America set the stage for Barack Obama’s rise to the presidency.  Why couldn’t this have happened had Jordan played in Houston?  Even aside from the coincidence that Jordan and Obama both called Illinois home – a contributing factor to this argument – Jordan’s presence in Chicago was crucial both on and off the court.

 

On the court?  Had Jordan been drafted initially by Houston, the Portland Trailblazers drafting next would certainly have chosen Hakeem Olajuwon, giving Portland a nucleus of Olajuwon, Clyde Drexler, Jerome Kersey, Mychal Thompson, and then the addition of Terry Porter the next year (Portland drafted him with the final pick of the first round in 1985, so for the sake of argument one can assume they’d have had a chance to draft him regardless of the draft order that year).  Considering that, in reality, Portland became a legitimate force in the West with essentially nothing to show for that year’s pick, the hypothetical addition of all-time great Olajuwon makes Portland a dominant team in the Western Conference, along with the Magic Johnson-led Los Angeles Lakers, over the next 5-6 years at least.

 

Had Jordan been drafted first, he’d have been paired with Ralph Sampson, who at the time was a top-tier player, but by the late 1980s would be a non-factor given his knee injuries.  With Sampson, Jordan may have achieved some early playoff success in 1985-88, but it’s unlikely that those Rockets could have endured the Lakers, the hypothetical Blazers, and the rest of the Western Conference, and even if they had the Boston Celtics of that era were a juggernaut of their own.  It’s safe to say that Jordan’s career wouldn’t have had the Hollywood-scripted arc that he achieved in Chicago – rise to stardom as a one-man show from 1984-1987, three epic duels with the Bad Boy Detroit Pistons from 1988-1990 as Jordan learned to win and built a foundation around him, a thorough drubbing of those villainous Pistons in 1991 and a championship over Magic Johnson in 1991, dominance of another prominent villain, the New York Knicks, and more titles in 1992-93, and then a return to basketball and three more championships from 1996-98.  Likely, if drafted by Houston, Jordan has a little more success – but not championships – in his first few years, then is forced to rebuild with the injuries to Sampson in the late 1980s, just when his real-life Bulls were achieving prominence, and while the hypothetical Blazers (and Lakers) were hitting their peaks.  Without the ready-made villain Pistons, the ascendant character arc of the late 1980s culminating in the 1991 championship finals with the country’s second- and third-largest media markets (LA and Chicago) and the sport’s other biggest star, Magic Johnson, would Jordan have reached the same lofty heights? 

 

While possible, it’s doubtful, and even were Jordan able to do so on the court, off the court he’d have had the challenge – remember, we’re talking about his impact culturally and economically more so than athletically – of playing in Houston and not in Chicago.  Not that there’s anything wrong with Houston[6], but Chicago is a quintessential American city along both dimensions that Jordan (and later Obama) rose to prominence – culturally, it’s one of the most-relatable cities to the rest of the nation, and economically it’s arguably the second-most important city in the U.S. (behind New York).  If Corporate America were to choose a perfect pitchman to make an icon, Chicago would be a natural place to look, and Jordan almost immediately became the advertising industry’s greatest find.

 

In terms of business, Chicago has few peers on the global scale.  It’s one of the world’s most prominent financial centers and home to much of the advertising industry and several of the world’s biggest advertisers, including McDonald’s.  While only a handful of Illinois-based businesses could afford Jordan’s sponsorship fees, everyone who was anyone in Chicago had Bulls tickets during Jordan’s career, and that group included some of the wealthiest and most influential people in business.  Jordan had a built-in audience of the who’s who of American business, and accordingly could convince the mass of Corporate America to invest in certain pillars of black America.

 

Equally, if not more, important to this argument is that Chicago is, for purposes of media, advertising, and politics, about as American as it gets.  Home to many an American family sitcom or movie – Home Alone, Family Matters, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,  the National Lampoon’s Vacation series and John Hughes’ catalogue, etc. – Chicago is uniquely relatable to most of Americans.  A notable city with a famous skyline, Chicago is known for family values not attributed to New York or Los Angeles.  As a center of travel – it was the mainstay of the railroad industry and its O’Hare Airport was, for most of Jordan’s career, the busiest in the world – and business, it’s a location with which many have ties, having either been there or knowing someone who has[7].

 

As symbolic as Chicago is to American culture, it’s even more uniquely relatable to political swing state culture.  Heading into the 2008 election, the key battleground states – those in which the election was seen to be in doubt – included Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Missouri (Obama’s only loss in this list), Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Virginia.  Of those states, Obama lost – only by a small margin – Missouri, and those may be the states in which the Jordan Rules, so to speak, were in most in effect.  Chicago is the de facto “Capital of the Midwest”, a cultural and economic hub for the cities between the Appalachians and Rockies and north of the Mason-Dixon line, and Jordan played in the NBA’s Central Division.  People from Big Ten Conference states – Michigan, Ohio, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Indiana, Iowa, Western Pennsylvania – simply identify with Chicago. Jordan played his division games against teams from Michigan, Indiana, Wisconsin, and Ohio, and up until 1989 Minnesotans didn’t have a team of their own.  Furthermore, Jordan had a hand in Obama’s other big swing state wins, having grown up and played college basketball in North Carolina, and having played his final professional stint in Washington, DC, the most populous portion of Virginia.  In nearly every major swing state for the 2008 election, Michael Jordan had made a personal presence over the 20 previous years, and Obama won all of them but Missouri, the state not represented by an NBA franchise.  Coincidence?

 

Chicago afforded Jordan two other major-but-unsung advantages.  As mentioned previously, Chicago was enough a capital of the Midwest to engender Bulls fans from across the region.  The same has traditionally been true of the Cubs in baseball, and the reason has much less to do with Ernie Banks than it does to do with Harry Caray.  As a media capital, Chicago’s radio stations have traditionally had larger reach than have those of other Midwestern cities, giving people across the region access to Chicago sports.  By the late 1980s, that dynamic had given the nation access to Bulls home games via cable television “superstation” WGN – one of essentially two such local-turned-national superstations.[8] Simply by virtue of draft circumstance, Jordan ended up in one of a precious few markets that could allow the majority of his home games to be broadcast nationally, allowing for an even more-meteoric rise to iconic superstardom.  What’s more, Jordan’s Chicago location set him in an ideal situation to reach the nation as far as timing; though Houston, his other hypothetical discussion in this chapter, is also in the Central time zone, Chicago had the advantage for Jordan (and Obama) of being in the NBA’s Eastern Conference, meaning that over 2/3 of  Jordan’s games – mostly televised nationally – took place before the bedtimes of the entire country, right in the comfort of America’s homes.

 

Trite as it may sound, Jordan also fell into the perfect color scheme in Chicago with the Bulls’ red and black uniforms.  As much as Jordan did for Nike – over $6 billion worth of impact to date – Nike also helped to create Jordan as an icon, and Nike’s greatest contribution in that regard was to make His Airness the ultimate 1980s/90s fashion statement.  The Jumpman line started initially with a pair of stylish red, black, and white sneakers – in a color scheme that, incidentally, matched that of the decade’s slightly more famous MJ, Michael Jackson, whose red jacket, black pants, and white socks were prominent in the most famous music video of all time, for Thriller.  Again, the color scheme could simply be coincidence, but in this search for a tipping point of monumental proportions – an African American garnering enough popular support to become President – a series of coincidences could have provided exactly the necessary momentum.  Could Jordan have been as popular in red and yellow as he was in red and black?  Perhaps, but as another Nike icon of that era, Andre Agassi, was famous for saying, “image is everything”, and Jordan’s image certainly wasn’t hurt by his choice in colors.

 

 


[1] Ironically, these two championships occurred in the only two seasons that Jordan did not play.  Jordan missed the entire 1994 season and most of the 1995 season in a semi-retirement.  Had Jordan played full seasons both years, it’s likely that the Bulls would have met Houston in at least one Finals, and also quite possible that Houston wouldn’t have won either title.  In that event, would the selection of Olajuwon still seem as correct?  Houston gets a pass mainly because of those championships, and also because Bowie was such a bust at #2, but on results Jordan was still a considerably better pick.

[2] Two African-Americans – both from Mississippi –  served in the Senate after the Civil War but before Reconstruction, in an era as unique to politics as the 1994-95 non-Jordan years were to the NBA.  Immediately after the Civil War, Southern governments were dissolved – after all, they were Confederate governments, rejoining the Union – and reconstituted.  Mississippi’s population was a black majority, and so for a short blip on the historical radar, its legislature and US congressional representation were black, too.  That trend was rather quickly reversed, and it took nearly 100 years for another black Senator to take office.

[3] It’s tough, thirty years later, to write about the sentiment toward the NBA and the black community as a whole without feeling discriminatory, hence the quotes on “thugs”.  In a historical context, though, that was the prevailing attitude.  We’ve come a long way.

[4] This was the jingle for Jordan’s Gatorade advertisements, and an incredible feature of one of the greatest stories ever told.  After Jordan personally dominated one of the 1992 Dream Team scrimmages, cementing again his position as the greatest player in the world, he grabbed a Gatorade and started singing his own ad song: “Sometimes I dream…that he is me…”.  How many people can sing a song that someone else wrote, and that millions loved, about how great they are?

[5] Chris Rock’s stand-up bit about white media calling black dignitaries, specifically Colin Powell, “well-spoken” is apropos here.  “He speaks so well; he’s so well spoken…”  Rock made the comments in jest (he followed it up by asking if we should be so impressed that a man can talk), but the impetus was the reality of the stereotype – mainstream America, even in the mid-1990s, seemed surprised when a black man was “well-spoken.”  Jordan’s ease of speaking and ability to relate to people of all backgrounds went a long way toward changing that perception to the masses.

[6] It’s hard to write about the 1990s without including at least one Seinfeld reference.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.  An author’s personal stylistic preference is no one’s business but his own. 

[7] It’s an incredibly small sample size, admittedly, but both authors of this book – neither of whom was born in Chicago (one in Washington, one in Pennsylvania) – ended up with strong Chicago ties.  Adam attended the University of Chicago for law school; Brian has had grandparents and a sister live there, and ran his first marathon there. 

[8] The other cable superstation was TBS, an Atlanta station that ultimately acquired NBA national television rights to broadcast, instead of simply Hawks games, an NBA game of the week, which invariably would feature Jordan’s Bulls as often as possible.

 

A major point of contention in this presidential election cycle involves tax policy on “the one percent”.  For several reasons, I have to say that raising taxes on the highest earners is a pretty damn good idea.  These reasons include:

1) I’m not rich and neither are you.

So who cares?  99% of us aren’t 1%-ers, and probably 98% of us will never be.  So who cares if we’re taxing someone other than us?  And while i can do better than this intellectually (and I will), this point remains pretty important in my mind.  Why are so many of us non-rich folks so protective of tax breaks for the rich?  If your United flight attendant told you that you could pay for your $8 snack box or you could just decide that the people in first class would pay for it, you’d let them pay for it.  Why doesn’t this always hold?  Why won’t we let Lloyd Blankfein and LeBron James pay for a few more teachers?  Why can’t Alex Rodriguez be bothered to pay for your healthcare with the millions he’s being paid to sit on the Yankees’ bench?  Why can’t Vikram Pandit pay for new construction jobs and new bridge construction out of his $120 million severance for doing a terrible job as Citigroup CEO?  Why do we protect these guys?!

But like I said, I’ll do better.  Not only do I favor taxing the rich because “they ain’t me”, I also see other major reasons to do so.  Namely:

2) It really doesn’t matter.

And here’s why – at the upper end, prices are entirely set by willingness-to-pay, not by cost.  Other than maybe vacations to outer space, every luxury good is priced based on what rich people will pay for it.  Lamborghinis, the watches that Jay-Z talks about, homes in Malibu…they all cost much, much more than the sum of the cost of their parts.  And so if the richest of the rich have 10% less disposable income, yacht prices will fall by somewhere around 10%.  The guy who made $22 million will have less to spend, but still substantially more than the guy who made $18 million, so ol’ deuce-deuce gets the Audemars watch and 18-mill gets the Rolex.  And both still have plenty more where that came from.  It really, really does not matter.

And for generations we knew this.  The marginal tax rates pre-Reagan were near 90 percent at that top end, and that fueled tons of job creation and growth.  And Robin Leach still had a ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous’ show to host.  The rich are rich enough – we don’t need to artificially make them richer.

3) Above a certain level, you dicked enough people over to get that money that you owe us.

Here’s where I’ll get a little more controversial, but I’d say it’s 100% true.  My plan – scrap the arbitrary $250k number and instead peg the “dickishness tax” rate to just above what the average cardiologist makes.  Why?  Because we get to use tax policy to do a few things.  One, to raise revenue. Two, to encourage certain behaviors.  And three, to discourage other behaviors.  Obviously we need the revenue, but here’s what else we need – doctors and innovators, those who drive the economy.  Aerospace engineers make less than financiers; cardiologists make less than top salespeople.  And everyone makes less than Fortune 500 CEOs.  But who really drives the economy?  Who do we want more of?  Almost anyone can become an engineer or a doctor, with hard work and ingenuity.  We should encourage those behaviors by keeping their income at a “high-impact” level – the dollars they earn are those that pack the most punch.  But for the most part those salaries have caps.  Doctors are limited by what insurance will reimburse and by how many patients they can serve in a day.  Engineers are on pay scales that accelerate for VPs and CEOs.  But who’s really driving innovation?  The CEOs are at the top of the pyramid but they don’t add the same value as the true innovators.  And so for those who chase capitalism, business and finance represent lower-barrier-to-entry, higher-ceiling pay scales.  Let’s create incentives for people to seek true achievement.

And on the other side, once you’re much higher than a doctor’s salary (and in many cases even below that) you’re screwing someone over to get there.  Salespeople with high commissions are often acting dishonestly; even if not, they’re often using high-pressure, low-ethic tactics to skim money out of clients.  Capitalism is a beautiful system for rewarding innovation, but the evolution of capitalism is this – it rewards “getting that money” more so than innovation.  At a certain level in highly-developed economies like ours, the ability to talk a client out of his money is more valued than the ability to earn that business through true value.  And that’s the genesis of the “dicknishness tax”.

Look at Bill Gates – you could argue that he stole many of the great ideas for Windows straight from Apple.  It’s likely that a huge portion of his fortune came from elements of antitrust.  As much as we’d consider him a technological innovator, much of what he earned came at the expense of true innovators as he strongarmed his operating system into a dominant business position.  Bill Gates deserved plenty of money for what he contributed to the world – but in a winner-take-all economy he “won” the fair shares of many other innovators, many of whom he just dicked over to get there.

Look at Steve Jobs – for all the good he created, he was a colossal dick.  His iOS deliberately attacks Flash and Java platforms, creating a system in which users are unable to view a third of the internet just so that Jobs can dick over Adobe from the grave.  Yes, he deserves a ton of money for what value he contributed to the global economy.  But he dicked a lot of people over to get a giant portion of his fortune.

Look at the financial industry.  It’s dicked over the world, gambling with our money, lobbying for lax regulations but gobbling up bailouts and subsidies.  Look at BP, which rakes in record oil profits and takes energy subsidies, all the while risking the health of the Gulf of Mexico and its wildlife and neighbors.  Look at fitness-based companies like the World Triathlon Corporation and the Rock n’ Roll Marathon series, which are buying up the rights to local fitness events and jacking up the prices under the veil of “capitalism”.  Our economy rewards innovation to a point, but after that point it values marketing, sales, and shrewdness above all.

With shrewdness comes this – pink slime in our food; increased gluten in our food.  Why? Because they’re cheap and the consumer will never know.  With shrewdness comes the “we’ll just pay the fine…if they catch us” approach to pollution and the environment. With shrewdness comes the political lobby, creating “science” that says that global warming is a hoax and pushing for the deregulation of financial and environmental circles.  With shrewdness comes Enron, Tyco, Arthur Anderson, and Too Big To Fail.  What the business climate rewards as shrewdness is often nothing more than profit-driven dickishness.

And this is where the dickishness tax has a corollary – the Scoreboard Corollary.  At a high enough level, the finance guys aren’t shrewdly screwing investors or manipulating stock prices because they want or need the money.  It’s a game to them.  The bosses aren’t negotiating down employee salaries because they want the bonuses for themselves to buy bread; it’s a way to outsmart the other department heads and look better.  The salesman chases the commission to win; the marketing team plans its strategy to increase share; the financial analysts want to pick winners who increase market share and P/E ratio.  To win.  They’re playing a scoreboard game – it’s only that the numbers on that scoreboard could buy healthcare for seniors and education for kids.  Those points on the scoreboard could retrain employees whose jobs were shipped overseas to accumulate those points.  Those points don’t matter – who wins matters.  So let’s adjust the scale downward.  Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 becomes 75…but those extra 25 points feeds the poor.  Who loses?  No one.

Listen, it’s foolish to argue against capitalism, but it’s just as foolish to say that it’s absolute. Pure capitalism can’t exist without creating anticompetitive situations – we need to protect against monopolies just as we need to protect against dangerous products.  We need to protect against insider trading and collusion and we need to protect against the “snake oil” products that falsely advertise.  And along that slippery slope, we’ve also decided to use the tax code to reward activities – home ownership, charitable donations, having kids – and discourage others, like smoking.  With our tax code, we have a chance to reward true innovations and take some of the bloom off the sales/finance and dicknishness roses.

At a certain point, the money doesn’t matter – it’s points on a scoreboard. And at that point, dickishness reigns supreme.  Will taxes end dickishness?  No.  But higher taxes on the rich have a justification.  The advanced accumulation of wealth is often – usually – accompanied by dickishness.  Whether it’s intentionally manipulating a product. badgering through sales techniques, or screwing over a colleague or it’s more inadvertent turning a blind eye to these things as they happen with securities in your portfolio, the more money you make the more you owe to ” the pot”.  And since at that point you’re only paying in scoreboard points, who cares?
Tax the rich, if for no better reason than for Chris Rock’s take on gays in the military.  “Let ’em fight,” he says.  “Cause I ain’t fighting.”  Let the rich pay – you and I can’t afford to, and there’s a pretty good set of justifications for why they should do it for us.

As I travel around this great big world of ours, the same two questions follow me:

1) “What the hell were you guys thinking re-electing George W Bush?” (serious question that I’ve been asked several times now this week in Dubai, and that I was asked at least once in London this summer)

2) “What the hell does your blog name mean?”  (Note – I talk to a lot of people who begin questions with “what the hell…”)

As the first question is inexplicable, let’s tackle the second.  Why is this blog entitled “See Me Squeegee”?  It all dates back to my rap career… (which probably begs another “what the hell” line of questioning).

The year was 2005 and George W had just begun that aforementioned 2nd term.  I was attending graduate school and getting to know my classmates. The result?  My buddy Rory and I dropped a rap album.

It mainly started out of boredom from those group events during which everyone asks and answers the same questions the first few weeks of school.  “Where are you from / what did you major in / etc.”  Rory had grown up in Flint and therefore liked to rap battle and since there were mostly white people there someone had to step up.  I’d battle and lose, but then I realized something about the man they called “MC Nonsense” – he had a pattern…whenever he was out of ideas he’d go back to the same handful of bars while he thought of something new: “I shake it, I bake it, I make it, I take it, I rake it like a leaf, where you at chief?” or “They call me Nonsense, I don’t make sense, I don’t have to make sense, that ain’t my conscience”.  And since he had that stock couple seconds to think of something new, he’s always win.  With that as my knowledge, I could battle back with a similar game.  And so we rapped at every gathering of classmates over beers and people loved it.

We even rapped a group project while everyone else was doing dumb skits.  Our black professor for that “Teaching With Diversity” class – man, that was risky to rap that now that I think about it – loved it and so did our classmates.  A couple popular girls – yep…grad school and there were “popular girls” – developed crushes on us because we entertained.  It was a weird alternate universe but it worked somehow.  And so we decided…we should drop an album.

The theme of that album was this – most rappers rap about either how good they have it (“ball so hard…that shit cray”) or how bad they had it growing up.  No rappers rap about being middle class grad students getting by on student loans.  We’d be the first.  Some of the highlights from our first track, “Manifesto” in which we laid out our mantra, included:

Ever hear an MC brag about a one-room pad?

Ever heard a rapper speak highly of his dad?

Pay attention you might just learn from this lad

and

I tell you ladies and gents

My next paycheck is spent

Trying to keep myself in school with the basic essentials

So don’t think I’m rich just because I’m white

I didn’t vote for Bush, man, I drink Busch Light

So, yep, middle class student loan rap.  It’s a wonder we’re not on the cover of Vibe right now posing in front of our Ford Fusion Hybrids with rims…

But I digress.  Arguably the best lyric of that track was Nonsense’s first, after I had passed him the mic.  It went:

MC

BG

See me

Squeegee

the brains of other MCs off the windows of my Intrigue

And so from that point on I was MCBG and those who have heard the track pretty much always refer to me as such (including my boss, Chad, and any of my students who meet him and hear the story).  And they love that lyric, but few remember it in its entirety.  My buddy Adam would often come bounding into the office, look directly at me and say “MC BG – Hit ’em with the squeegee” or “MC BG why you holding that squeegee?”.  He loved the lyric but for the life of him couldn’t remember it.  That lyric holds particular sentiment in my heart.  So when I needed to title this blog, which some 6 years later would be another medium from spilling my thoughts on the world, the old rap album and particularly that lyric came to mind, and the blog was born.  I’m MCBG and as you read this blog you’ll see me squeegee, spreading clarity on the windshield of society.  Or something.

Postscript:  We never did film the video for our single “Cubicle Ho” (about that girl at work that dresses provocatively, flits incessantly with no real intent of actually dating you, and ruins your productivity while squeezing you for free drinks or picked-up lunch tabs) but Rory did play “Manifesto” at his wedding reception to rave reviews.  And every Christmas Nonsense and I get together with two other friends (my brother and my business partner) and record a track after a few dozen beers at Buffalo Wild Wings.

So that’s it.  See me squeegee. 2005 and forever.