See Me Squeegee

I don’t love spending money.  Personal debt scares me – I paid my student loans off early, I overpay on my mortgage each month to knock that down early – and the federal debt scares me, too.  But while the conventional wisdom I learned growing up was “Republicans are fiscally conservative, Democrats are fiscally liberal,” I’ve come to learn that both parties are likely to spend borrowed money.  (Evidence: just within the last year the government – with only GOP votes – passed a tax cut that will increase the deficit by $1.5 trillion over ten years *and* the House – with only GOP votes – just passed another tax cut plan that would add $2 trillion more to that)

So with fiscal conservatism not really an option, the choice for me really comes down to how each party would spend that borrowed money.   And after far too many hours wasted paying close attention to this I’ve concluded that:

Democrats spend money like a caring wife; Republicans spend money like a selfish husband.

Let’s dive in.

Democrats = Caring Wives 

We’ll start with my (wonderful) wife, Lindsey.  She works some overnight and weekend shifts so it’s not uncommon that when I’m calling her from the car to let her know I’m on my way home from work, she’ll say “oh great…I’m just leaving Target / the outlet mall / Costco / Bed Bath & Beyond…”  And of course my fiscally conservative visceral reaction is to inhale deeply and seize up: “nooooo- why did you spend the day spending money?!!!”

But here’s the thing: when my (absurdly caring) wife spends money, it’s rarely specifically for herself and almost always in a way that makes my life or our family’s life better.  It might be:

• a nicer razor for me to shave with, or
• some SPF-containing moisturizer for me to put on every morning, or
• some nicer clothes hangers to better organize my closet and protect the shapes of my sweaters and sport coats, or
• some packing cubes to help me pack efficiently for our honeymoon, or
• some easy-to-microwave breakfast meals to let me eat healthy-but-quickly on work mornings

And whatever she says she bought that day, my fiscally conservative reaction is always “eh, I’d rather we just save the money.”

But here are the other things:

• Her heart is always in the right place; she’s eagerly finding ways to improve my life.
• She has more hits than misses.  Yeah a couple of the anti-snoring aids didn’t work and the travel dob kit hasn’t left the closet, but I don’t know that I want to live without that little iPhone cord holder she stuck to my nightstand and those big fluffy towels get the job *done* (and smell incredible with those dryer sheets she bought).  I didn’t like the expenditures at the time, but the vast majority of what she’s bought has had a positive return-on-investment.

And that’s why I’m a Democrat.  Because Democrats spend money the same way: yeah you might wish they had just saved the damn money, but whether it’s healthcare or education or infrastructure or banking regulation, when Democrats spend money the purpose is almost always to try to improve people’s lives.

And yeah there may be some misses, but like my experience with my wife’s shopping habits I’ll happily put up with those because of 1) the pretty darned good batting average with more hits than misses, and 2) the general intent to make my life better.  Democrats spend money on early childhood education, one of the highest ROI ways that tax dollars can be spent.  They spend on alternative energy research, which can not only decrease utility costs for all of us but also get us out of dangerous conflicts in the Middle East.  They spend on programs that protect consumers from predatory lenders – programs that not only protect the individuals but help us avoid the conditions that created the 2010 financial collapse. They provide social safety nets like Social Security, Medicaid, and Obamacare so that the illnesses, injuries, or misfortunes – or just the natural passage of time – that befall us don’t become death sentences for us or financial catastrophes for our families.

And just like my wife’s expenditures, Democratic investments tend to age well.  Take Obamacare, which despite being unpopular at first and being battered in the media for years – attach “Obama” to “free puppies and ice cream” and a third of the country would hate it because it bears his name – has become more and more popular as time has passed.  And whether you currently benefit from the program or not, we’re all a routine doctor’s trip gone awry away from a pre-existing condition that would make the entire program a godsend…just like I’m a coughing airplane seat mate away from being insanely thankful that Lindsey set up a flu shot appointment for me.

So Democrats spend money like a caring wife.  Would you be better off if she just saved the money in an index fund?  Maybe, but you can’t fault her intentions and in the end you can make a good argument that her ounces (and dollars) of prevention protect your home value and medical bills at a rate far greater than what she spent.

Republicans = Selfish Husbands
So what about Republicans?

Let’s look at their greatest hits since 2000.  While they chided Democrats for wanting to spend on energy research, education, and a social safety net, Republicans borrowed money to roll the ever-expensive dice on:

• Tax cuts weighted in favor of the wealthy, in the first years of both the Bush and Trump presidencies
• Decade-long wars in Afghanistan and Iraq
• Expanded immigration enforcement (read: jails for immigrant toddlers), fueled by money borrowed from emergency preparedness and cancer research

If Democrats spend like caring wives, what does that make Republicans?  Selfish husbands.  Consider how a selfish husband doles out his cash.

A selfish husband is concerned about looking tough in front of his friends.  So he might invest in lifting his truck and setting it on jumbo tires, or in a a barbed wire tattoo for his bicep.  No one will call him a wuss, even if takes him years to pay off the credit card interest to avoid that insult!

Similarly, Republicans want to look tough on everything: let’s find an excuse to go to war with Iraq.  Let’s have zero tolerance policies for immigrants and drugs.  Do these policies work?  Not really.  We have nothing (well, except ISIS and a few thousand casualties) to show for the over $2 trillion we spent in Iraq and not a whole lot more to show for a similar amount spent in Afghanistan.  The same can be said for the 40-year, $1 trillion War on Drugs.  (yep that’s a Fox News link…even they concede it while advocating to spend billions to keep fighting it)  No one will call that selfish husband or the United States a “wuss” – credit card debt be damned!

A selfish husband finds ways to justify extravagant purchases and foolhardy decisions as investments. “I need this expensive car so that I can project an image of success, you see, and then eventually that will help me get promoted and the car will pay for itself,” he says, just like the GOP always says “the upper class tax cuts will pay for themselves” (although neither the car nor the tax cuts ever do).

And a selfish husband also has to spend money to back up his big mouth.  He may have bet the boys that he can still dunk a basketball, or gone double-or-nothing on his losing football bet to make up his all his money at once…only to lose again.  Just like the Trump Administration is spending billions to bail out soybean farmers who are losing on the Trump Tariffs…and how the Trump Administration is adamant that Congress provide money for “The Wall” that he kept saying Mexico would pay for, because he can’t admit defeat on his signature campaign chant.

Vote for the Caring Wife

So would I love for the government to save a little money?  Sure.  But they won’t, so I have to pragmatically choose where I want that debt-fueled money to be spent.  With the “caring wife” Democrats, there’s stuff I might not buy for myself, but that should benefit my life: insurance, alternative energy, education subsidies, infrastructure.

On the other hand, the Republican wishlist just doesn’t have anything in it for me.  Sure, W sent me a check for $150 in 2001 (it could have been as high as $300, but alas I was in school for much of 2000) and the Trump tax cuts would have saved me a few dollars had he not also packaged them with “screw the blue states” amendments that offset the cut and most likely hurt my home value.  But those cuts added to the deficit, which Republicans also blew up with their “Tim the Tool Man Taylor” approach (with no Democratic Al Borland to check them) to spending: more power (weapons), more power (militarized police forces and mandatory minimum jail sentences), more power (as long as it’s fossil fuels).

The conventional wisdom is that Democrats spend money and that “women be shopping.”  But Republicans and tough guys spend more money…just on far less useful stuff.  So this November I’ll be voting blue…and not worrying when my wife says she’s on her way to Target.